been thinking of and missing my grandmother a lot lately. watching this takes me back to hot summer evenings, sitting on the red rug in her living room, staring up at the huge tv/stereo console in front of me with her behind on the brocade couch, tapping her foot along with the music. this one's for you, m.
11 February 2011
09 February 2011
a history lesson
this about sums up how i've been feeling lately. in so many ways. perfect.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scQbVUmLMow
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scQbVUmLMow
20 January 2011
jewels
i was enlightened today by a very dear friend. she told me that i am a person for whom memories, a history, are extremely important. she likened them each to precious gems that i hold tight to my heart and take out to polish and admire, to remember when things are tough. she talked about how i keep them close and safe, hold them dear, and how i need and am almost enraptured by them. that each one is very precious to me in it's own important way. i didn't realize this, but she's right. and while i love to do this, while each memory does indeed comfort me more than i can express and has sustained me through some difficult periods, i realize now that holding them so tightly can also be a hindrance. memories are not life. memories are not the present. no matter how much i may want them to be, they are in fact, just memories. they can be dangerous, convincing me to tread water, my head just above the surface, or just under maybe, when i should just be kicking my feet and swimming for shore.
18 January 2011
reminders
i have my lists in various places: in the right-hand corner of my desk drawer, on yellow post-its next to my computer, folded and put into my wallet, even in my lunch bag for work. my lists remind me of the many projects i'd like to either start or finish, the ever growing lineup of books i want to read, the people i want to talk to and the places i want to see and they sometimes, in the shuffling around of things, get lost. i occasionally save some, as well, to open up and look back on, as a remembrance of where i was and of what was important to me at that particular time in my life. i have a new list now, though not my own, and one that i will never be rid of through no one's fault but my own. and despite just how much i would love to erase it from existence, i will unwillingly carry it with me. it serves it's own purpose, i suppose, as a reminder of sorts.
14 June 2010
Previously posted elsewhere... VW BUGS AND PAUL SIMON
vw bugs and paul simon. sept. 2008Share. Tuesday, April 28, 2009 at 5:08pm | Edit Note | Delete
isn't it funny how you can be going about your routine, day in and day out, never really thinking beyond what it is that you're doing, and what you still have to get done that day, when suddenly some tiny, insignificant detail around you transports you back to a different time in your life, where you can actually see and feel and smell the things from your memory as if they were all around you again?
today, as i was driving, paul simon's "50 ways to leave your lover" came on the radio and in an instant i was 4 years old again, sitting in the backseat of our beige volkswagen bug. i could feel the heat of the summer as the hot air rushed in the open window and onto my face, i could smell the vinyl seats being baked by the rays of the sun, and i could feel them sticking to the backs of my legs as i sat in the middle of the backseat, hands on the headrests of the seats in front of me, singing along with my mom and paul simon at the top of my lungs.
it's one of my favorite memories.
isn't it funny how you can be going about your routine, day in and day out, never really thinking beyond what it is that you're doing, and what you still have to get done that day, when suddenly some tiny, insignificant detail around you transports you back to a different time in your life, where you can actually see and feel and smell the things from your memory as if they were all around you again?
today, as i was driving, paul simon's "50 ways to leave your lover" came on the radio and in an instant i was 4 years old again, sitting in the backseat of our beige volkswagen bug. i could feel the heat of the summer as the hot air rushed in the open window and onto my face, i could smell the vinyl seats being baked by the rays of the sun, and i could feel them sticking to the backs of my legs as i sat in the middle of the backseat, hands on the headrests of the seats in front of me, singing along with my mom and paul simon at the top of my lungs.
it's one of my favorite memories.
Previously posted elsewhere... DREAM
dream. july 2008Share. Tuesday, April 28, 2009 at 5:07pm | Edit Note | Delete
here is a dream that i had yesterday when i dozed off on the couch with luca for a few minutes. make of it what you will, i'm still trying to figure it out.
My grandmother was having a dinner party at the house in Willow Grove. There were maybe ten people in attendance, some close friends, some acquaintances and some "new" old friends that i've recently come into contact with again. And i was late. Not fashionably late, really late. I found myself up in the tiny room that i had once occupied, already changed into my dress and fumbling with the straps of my heels. Then i quickly came down the stairs and into the dining room where i immediatley began to clear away everyone's dishes from the first course rather than sitting down and joining them(once a waitress, always a waitress i guess..). When the main course was finished everyone got up and moved out into the semi-darkness of the backyard. Out past the old patio swing that we used to play on as kids, situated next to the mint plants that i could smell in the air, past the stone wall that we used to "fish" off of with sticks and string fashioned into "rods", to the farthest point of the back yard just before the hill drops into a wooded area between houses. Here, towards the left corner of the yard was a well. As we all stood around it, my grandmother took my hand. I could actually feel the frailness of her tiny hand(they were so dainty!)and the softness of her thin skin(they were always so soft). She looked at me and said, "Have a look dearie. It's a good place to do some thinking, to clear your head and make some necessary decisions. We'll wait. We will all be up here when you're done." Suddenly, all around me, flew a cloud of cardinals. Bright red. Swirling and dipping. The beating of their wings fanning air across my face. One hovered in the air in front of my face and stared directly at me for a few moments before moving back into the swirl of birds. None of them touched me, just enveloped me in their cloud. Then, just as suddenly, they were gone. And i was alone in my grandmother's backyard.
it's a bit stream of consciousness, i know.
here is a dream that i had yesterday when i dozed off on the couch with luca for a few minutes. make of it what you will, i'm still trying to figure it out.
My grandmother was having a dinner party at the house in Willow Grove. There were maybe ten people in attendance, some close friends, some acquaintances and some "new" old friends that i've recently come into contact with again. And i was late. Not fashionably late, really late. I found myself up in the tiny room that i had once occupied, already changed into my dress and fumbling with the straps of my heels. Then i quickly came down the stairs and into the dining room where i immediatley began to clear away everyone's dishes from the first course rather than sitting down and joining them(once a waitress, always a waitress i guess..). When the main course was finished everyone got up and moved out into the semi-darkness of the backyard. Out past the old patio swing that we used to play on as kids, situated next to the mint plants that i could smell in the air, past the stone wall that we used to "fish" off of with sticks and string fashioned into "rods", to the farthest point of the back yard just before the hill drops into a wooded area between houses. Here, towards the left corner of the yard was a well. As we all stood around it, my grandmother took my hand. I could actually feel the frailness of her tiny hand(they were so dainty!)and the softness of her thin skin(they were always so soft). She looked at me and said, "Have a look dearie. It's a good place to do some thinking, to clear your head and make some necessary decisions. We'll wait. We will all be up here when you're done." Suddenly, all around me, flew a cloud of cardinals. Bright red. Swirling and dipping. The beating of their wings fanning air across my face. One hovered in the air in front of my face and stared directly at me for a few moments before moving back into the swirl of birds. None of them touched me, just enveloped me in their cloud. Then, just as suddenly, they were gone. And i was alone in my grandmother's backyard.
it's a bit stream of consciousness, i know.
Previously posted elsewhere...COLD SLEEPY HOUSE
cold, sleepy house. dec 2008Share. Tuesday, April 28, 2009 at 5:10pm | Edit Note | Delete
While at a friend's house, G and I were playing around with those magnetic words that you put on the refrigerator. You know, the ones that you mix up and put into funny sentences like "his name was RubySue" or that, in my son's case, usually have something to do with bathroom humor. We were busy trying to outdo each other's silly sentences when a phrase popped into my mind that I haven't been able to shake since.
Cold, sleepy house.
For some reason it evokes memories and feelings of waking up in the half-light, when the house is quiet and still chilly from the night before. When everyone else is still nestled warmly in their beds, peacefully sleeping. When you're not yet in a hurry to jump into the shower and get ready for the day's activities, but still slowly, sleepily walking around your house and not yet realising that this moment is a little gift.
While at a friend's house, G and I were playing around with those magnetic words that you put on the refrigerator. You know, the ones that you mix up and put into funny sentences like "his name was RubySue" or that, in my son's case, usually have something to do with bathroom humor. We were busy trying to outdo each other's silly sentences when a phrase popped into my mind that I haven't been able to shake since.
Cold, sleepy house.
For some reason it evokes memories and feelings of waking up in the half-light, when the house is quiet and still chilly from the night before. When everyone else is still nestled warmly in their beds, peacefully sleeping. When you're not yet in a hurry to jump into the shower and get ready for the day's activities, but still slowly, sleepily walking around your house and not yet realising that this moment is a little gift.
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